It is funny, strange and amusing how one can be in hell in one moment and in heaven the next. I experienced that we indeed create our own Kamma, how we deal with it will determine where we want to be "re-born".
The 3 weeks of Mar till now has been stressful, from work and from my own increased awareness of my own feeling and emotion. Sometime it gets so bad that I feel like dying and not having to come back again. Of course this is an attachment and we know that attachment is the train ticket back to this whole mess of things.
I was very tired from all the confusing thoughts and feeling, but I received a long awaited letter. It was a reply for my request to stay at a Wat in Thailand (Counting down: 67 days from now), immediately my mood changed for the better.
I remember one story which Ajahn Nyannadhammo recalled about Luang Por Chah. It goes like this:
Ajahn Nyannadhammo was having a bad day after an argument with a fellow monk and Luang Por Chah saw this, Luang Por Chah called out to Ajahn Nyannadhammo and this temporarily broke the negative thoughts in Ajahn Nyannadhammo.
That night, Ajahn Nyannadhammo decided to give Luang Por Chah a foot massage for what Luang Por Chah did, toward the end while the rest of the monks was leaving the kuti, Luang Por Chah asked Ajahn Nyannadhammo to stay. Ajahn Nyannadhammo was in heaven as he was alone with his beloved teacher.
Suddenly Ajahn Nyannadhammo was kicked in the chest by Luang Por Chah, Ajahn Nyannadhammo was surprise with what Luang Por Chah did. Luang Por Chah then teaches an important lesson: how we are condition to create our own heaven and hell. In the morning Ajahn Nyannadhammo was in hell as he had a bad experience with another monks. In the evening Ajahn Nyannadhammo was in heaven when he was with Luang Por Chah.
I feel the same way, I created my hell but I can create my heaven too. Anyway I am really thankful that the letter pull me out of my self created hell.
Well, I am afraid since this will be the first time I am alone on this trip but it will be a self-discovery experience.
Here is a video on Luang Por Chah. The commenter said this and it hit a raw nerve:
"Meditation doesn't just involved being at peace with the world, confronting the self can be like walking into a raging storm. It's quite usual at first to despair, even wanting to kill oneself".
But what Luang Por Chah said at the end is really meaningful and useful:
"Be mindful and let things take their nature course, then your mind will become still like a clear forest pool.
All kinds of rare animals will come to drink at the pool, you will see many wonderful and strange things come and go but you will be still.
Problems will arise but you will see through them immediately.
This is the happiness of the Buddha".
I am indebted to this particular picture of Luang Por Chah as I found solace in my despair when I was alone even among friends. Luang Por Chah gentle smile seems to be telling me to just bear with it, just a little bit longer and you will see through the issue.
With Metta to Luang Por Chah (left) and Ajahn Nyannadhammo (right).